Accidental Leigh Page 7

  “Woohoo! Massachusetts! Lucky you!” Kelly was dripping with sarcasm. “My cousin married a guy who came from Massachusetts, and let me tell you, there is nothing magical about that son of a bitch.”

  “No! My desk is very old and it belonged to a witch!”

  “He IS old and I’ve heard that his ex IS a real witch.” Kelly said in a lifeless tone. “All right, just kidding, Leigh. That’s actually a pretty cool story. So, you think that you’ve gained this long forgotten witch’s power?”

  “Exactly. I know I did.”

  “Let me guess. You sicced Florian the troll boy on me. Didn’t you?”

  “Yes, but only to have him call you back. It ended there.”

  “Well, then you are a witch all right! That’s just one word and not the word that I would choose to use, but hey, my game isn’t quite up to par today.”

  “Anyway, I want to try some other magic. Not the magic that requires the desk. I want to see if some of that power rubbed off on me in other ways. Enough of it to at least perhaps try some good old fashioned magic spell stuff. I found this spell on the internet…”

  “Stop right there. Internet? You found it on the internet? You do realize that some fourteen year old probably made that up. Ugh! This is going to be bad. Anything that follows the statement, I found this spell on the internet is not going to have a good ending!”

  I opened the web page and pointed out the medieval manuscript. It was after all the supposed reference of my wisdom spell. I defiantly pointed it out to Kelly.

  “See, Kel, this is something that is at least based on a real book of magic. I’m not saying that it will work, but I think it could be fun to give it a try.”

  “Wow, you are seriously embracing this whole witch thing. Aren’t you?”

  I suppose Kelly was right about that. Why shouldn’t I? The first thing we had to find was goose blood.

  “Of course I am. Now, where do you think we will find goose blood?”

  “Simple, Leigh. Haha! I crack myself up!”

  When I looked at her like a lost deer in the headlights, she finally took a moment to elaborate… yay for me, more people messing with my name!

  “SimpLeigh- Simply, get it? Find a butcher shop that sells goose or geese to cook.”

  “Oh my God, you’re such a dork! Gee, that sounds good, if you live in the time of Charles Dickens you might have a shot. Honestly, when is the last time you saw goose meat in the grocery store? Maybe if we could score an invite to the Jeffrey Dahmer house for Hanukkah, they could hook us up. Other than that, you aren’t likely to find any place in Chicago where they are hacking apart a live goose in the back room.”

  “That’s it, Leigh! You just figured out where to get one!”

  “What? Serial killer school?”

  “No. You said Hanukkah. So what about calling a kosher butcher? Don’t they have to butcher geese a certain way? Maybe a small kosher butcher shop will sell or give you some goose blood?”

  I don’t know, I think the butchery takes place in a sterile plant or facility in Wisconsin or someplace, kosher. Besides, the whole idea of kosher meat is to get rid of the blood. It’s not like they save it to supply the local witchcraft covens or hobbyists, and even if they did, what am I supposed to say? Hi, I’m a newbie witch and I need some goose blood for a spell.”

  “Fine, we can go to the city park and shank some poor unsuspecting goose or we can call a butcher. While we are at it, we’ll see about cow’s tears. Maybe they cry before they sentence them to death.”

  Kelly and I were so busy with our snarky banter that we didn’t realize Lindsey had stumbled through the door. She had quietly listened in on our conversation, trying desperately to figure out what the fuck we were talking about. “Safeway. They sell goose livers. I’m pretty sure they are dripping with it.”

  “See. That’s why we love you, Lindsey. You’re always thinking. Well, when you’re not in the middle of a drunken orgy. Now, cow’s tears. Any suggestions?”

  “Got it. All we have to do is go by the petting zoo that we had the students go to last year. Cows, bulls, calves, pigs, you name it. We’ll corner one of the cows and relate our lousy love lives to her. You can guarantee we will get sympathy tears.” Lindsey seemed to be on a roll with the answers. Maybe, she should be hung over more often.

  “With the exception of Leigh. Do you remember that roofer guy with the arms, Lindsey?”

  “Oh yeah. Very fuckable. And, Leigh, we noticed that you two snuck away from the party.”

  “First, I want to clear up a few things. We didn’t sneak anywhere. I announced loud and clear that Hunter was giving me a ride home. That’s all that happened until I needed to call him, so we could go back to your so-called party and save you from becoming the internet hand-job queen.”

  Lindsey was silenced. She didn’t remember! Time to pounce, strike fast and hard. Remember?

  “Oh yeah, Lindsey, you may not remember. Strip poker? Kelly were topless. You had one guy in front of you and he was down to his skivvies. I came in just in time as you were shamelessly wrangling his snake free.”

  “Hmmm, well then, I blame you, Leigh, you and your naughty little witchcraft. Kelly spilled the beans on what you’ve been up to and that’s precisely why I couldn’t wait to see what you were doing today. By the way, next time you want to magically hook me up, please remember something. I’m not as experienced at being a slut as some people.” She nodded to Kelly. “And dammit, make me sober next time, because I sure wish I could remember the whole snake part. I’ve got nothing. Was his package big? Small? Microscopic? These really are details a woman needs to remember, damn it!”

  Thankfully, good friends transcend complete and utter insults such as these and we had a good laugh. I couldn’t break it to Lindsey that her lewd conduct was completely of her own accord.

  We eventually made it into Kelly’s car and headed for the children’s petting zoo. The brightly painted little barns and animal shaped playground equipment reminded me of how nice it was not to be responsible for twenty five little hellions trying out novel ways to end up as plaintiffs in a personal injury lawsuit.

  We strolled in past a variety of foul smelling beasts, and Kelly made an observation in her typical fashion.

  “Oh God, can you imagine what it must have been like on Noah’s Ark? Seriously. Forty days trapped in a floating barn full of seasick people and parasite ridden animals wading around in their own filth? I can barely stomach being around these things when they are supposedly cared for professionally.”

  “Yeah, I’m thinking you would have been one of the people listed as persona non grata, left to clamber up the last tall tree.” Lindsey remarked.

  “I don’t think those heels would help her much for tree climbing, anyway.” I had to chime in.

  “Oh, and how would you two get onboard? I’m thinking you could easily pass as a pair of jackasses.”

  “Touché, Kelly.” Lindsey responded.

  “Hey! There’s your cow!” Lindsey leaned out over the fence as far as she could and pursed her lips. She made some obscene smacking sounds that apparently raised the animal’s curiosity. Lindsey stepped onto the fence’s bottom rung and leaned further out, in an attempt to call the cow over to us. “Here cow-cow, come on, who’s a good girl?” Kelly plucked some nearby dandelions and handed them to Lindsey. She waved the limp wanna-be flowers, trying to entice the cautious bovine.

  Now, this was one of those times when you just know, while it was happening, that a human was about to plummet into the world of the cow. In this case, the human got a little help over the fence. We were pretty close to the exit of one of the psychedelically painted mini-barns. Just as Lindsey flapped her dandelion bouquet wildly in the air, a herd of screaming tiny children broke through the rainbow emblazoned door and charged toward us in a surreal jailbreak scene.

  There is always the one kid who is about a foot taller than the others. This group had a couple of them that were plowing through their dayc
are mates, as if they were berserkers on a bloodthirsty rampage. The wall of little bodies pushed against the fence, causing it to lean into the cow pen. Lindsey squealed and hit the muddy ground with a very wet plop. The children instantly halted and faced the pen.

  Their screams and laughs couldn’t drown out the stream of obscenities that spewed from Lindsey’s mouth with incredible speed. Kelly and I gaped at the scene before us, trying desperately to contain our laughter. Lindsey stood up. She was covered head to toe in cow dung and mud. Finally, the last of several creative uses for the word fuck passed her lips. Her problem was that she had a mouthful of cow manure-tinged mud that she was trying to spit out while she cussed. This worked to her favor, as the kids probably thought she was some crazed woman doing a Daffy Duck imitation in a foreign language. “Theptafuckapthh, bleh thpuck! Thpuck! Moh my thpuckin thbod!”

  The cow seemed momentarily unnerved by the whole ordeal. It must have recovered quickly because with the very next moo, it shamelessly defecated right beside Lindsey. The boys’ cheers raised to a fever pitch at the sight and sickening plopping sounds. Lindsey slogged up to the fence and started to crawl out between the rails. As she made it through the fence, the cow had followed her and placed its head between the rails. I seized the opportunity to examine her eyes. I wasn’t sure if they classified as tears or mucous, but there was something definitely leaking in the corner of the cow’s eye. I scratched her neck and pulled out the small Ziploc bag and a Popsicle stick I had brought along. An elementary teacher always comes prepared for any situation. I carefully scooped off the goo and slipped it into the baggie.

  Finally, we had achieved our goal and made it out to the parking lot. Kelly had a few beach towels and several gallons of water in the trunk of her car. We stood with the towels stretched out to cover Lindsey while she stripped off the clothes that were covered in cow shit and mud. She stuffed them into a plastic grocery store bag and tossed them into the trunk. Lindsey quickly dumped several gallons of water over her head and limbs in an attempt to rid herself of the filth. When she was finished, she wrapped her hair and body with a couple of the fluffy beach towels and climbed into the back seat of Kelly’s car. She grumbled the entire way home while Kelly and I tried our best to stop laughing.

  We made a quick stop at the grocery store on the way back to my apartment. I ran in to purchase a goose liver from the deli. The deli manager explained they do not sell it. They only have it to make a gourmet pate. I begged him for a small amount, telling him that I was a chef and I had been suddenly inspired to create a new goose-liver pate. He handed it over to me for free in an apparent feeling of comradeship with a fellow goose-liver pate aficionado.

  The girls dropped me off and headed back to Lindsey’s. I was excited to try some real old-fashioned spell casting. Luna greeted me at the door, as if she knew what I was up to and the look on her face was quite condescending. She zipped away and leapt up to my desk. There wasn’t too much to prepare. According to the web page, I needed to print out the diagram of a pentagram surrounded with alchemist symbols. I didn’t know this before, but apparently what real witches used in the past were bowls for mixing their ingredients. Not big cast iron cauldrons, just bowls.

  I scrounged through my meager collection of Tupperware and Corelle dishes. I found a generic plastic salad bowl with a missing lid. It would have to do. After all, the instructions required me to write a magic spell in the bottom of the bowl, and I’d be damned if I was going to use my good dishes.

  Luna stared intently. I didn’t have any candles suitable for witchcraft, you know, black tapers or the like. I did have a large pillar candle that was a gift from my mother. I looked at the cellophane wrapped label, Morning Rain. I had never lit the candle, not because I liked the way it looked, but because I was afraid to smell Morning Rain throughout my apartment. To me, those words conjured up thoughts of the scent of a thousand worms dying on the sidewalk. And, I might add, I have a real problem with the reason for all of those worms. I imagine that somewhere deep in the earth, as the falling rain penetrates the inner sanctum of Wormtown, their Jim Jones style worm leader makes an announcement that the end of the world is at hand. OK, maybe not at hand in the worm sense, but perhaps with wormaggedon imminent, they are all ordered to go up to the surface where they lay prostrate in front of traffic, pedestrians, and hungry birds.

  The smell, oddly reminiscent of dead worms on a rainy spring morning, hung in the air of my dimly lit room. I took my sharpie marked salad container and centered it on the paper. Luna jumped down and sat next to me. The herbal ingredients were tossed in and I read the magic incantation as I spun the bowl. Now, on to the nasty goose blood. I opened the clear plastic deli container and took a small spoonful of the red liquid and dripped it in. Next, I scraped Betsy’s eye boogers into the mix. It was disgusting. I was even more disgusted when I saw Luna chowing down on raw goose liver.

  I waited and waited, but nothing happened. I suppose, I had hoped for a sign that the spell had worked. A puff of smoke or an enlightening feeling, something – anything, but I got a whole lot of nothing. I blew the candle out and threw away the bowl full of yuck. Luna disappeared into my bedroom and left me alone. At least I gave it a try, and I really did have a good time at Lindsey’s expense that day. The only thing I could really think about though was Hunter. I was looking forward to seeing him. A real, big girl date. Yay me!

  Chapter 10

  It’s a Date!

  I woke up early and felt thoroughly excited. I wondered what Hunter would have in mind for our date. I really didn’t know that much about him. Probably a matinee, maybe dinner. It didn’t matter to me, though. I didn’t even bother to get my car from Lindsey’s house. I hopped in the tub, shaved my legs, moved on to my nails, and then plucked the stray hairs from every pluckable part of my body. Finally the phone rang, it was Hunter. He told me that he would pick me up at noon and to expect a fun day. I’m pretty certain my heart skipped a few beats with the anticipation only a first date with potential can bring.

  Like any normal, slightly psychotic woman that is trying desperately to impress a man, I tore through my closet like the Tasmanian devil. It’s hard to pick out the perfect outfit, when you have absolutely no idea what the occasion is. After ten different outfits, I finally settled on a light pink sweater, a pair of white capris, and my favorite silver sandals. My hair, well that was another story. Should I leave it down? Should I pull it up? I finally decided to leave it down and take a clip with me, in case I wanted to pull it up at any time.

  My mind was completely occupied with getting ready for my date that I barely thought about witchcraft. I had to admit to myself, at least, I was pretty upset the internet spell turned out to be a total bust. It led me to the realization that Kelly was right, no real magic would be out on the internet for anyone to use. In any case, I think I looked about as cute as I could possibly be.

  Luna jumped up onto the back of my couch and looked out the window. Her tail twitched from side to side as she eyed up her next victim. When Hunter knocked on the door, I paused and counted to ten before I opened it. I didn’t want him to know I had actually been standing by the door waiting for him. How desperate would that look?

  “Hi, Hunter! Come on in.” I held the door open and as Hunter walked in, Luna walked up to him and rubbed her body against his leg. Her tail wrapped around his ankle and she made a small noise. That little tramp! My cat was actually flirting with my would-be boyfriend. God knows that I would have loved to rub up against his leg and purr!

  “Hi, Leigh and hi Leigh’s cat.”

  “Wow! This is amazing. I’ve never seen her take to anyone like this before. She’s normally an anti-social and violent psychopath.” I looked at Hunter and noticed how nice he looked again. He wore a very nice, blue button down dress shirt, jeans, and brown leather shoes. His hair was short, but not buzzed like you see so many guys do. Working in the sun made his blonde hair look almost golden. His bright blue eyes were a stark contrast a
gainst his tanned skin. I could easily find myself lost in his eyes. I looked at his clean shaven face and the way he filled out his shirt. I blushed a little when I remembered how muscular and sexy he looked that afternoon working on Lindsey’s roof.

  “What’s her name?”

  “Who’s name?” I had completely lost the conversation.

  “Your cat’s name.”

  “Oh, sorry. That’s Luna. We have what you would call a very dysfunctional relationship, although it has been getting better lately for some reason.” Which was absolutely true. Ever since I started playing with magic, Luna began acting different. Almost as if she were more interested in being with me. Huh, I’d have to file that information away for later. This wasn’t the time to bring up my witchy experiments to Hunter.

  “Good name! I like that. So, are you ready to go out and have some fun?”

  “Sure! What do you have in mind?”

  “Well, this time of day there isn’t a whole lot going on. I was thinking that since it’s a nice day, we could head over to the little amusement park. The one with the go-kart track and mini golf course.”

  “Sounds fun!” For once, I didn’t have to lie too much. It sounded like a lot of fun and I was really looking forward to spending time with him!

  Once again, he held the door of his truck open for me. I have to admit that it is a very sweet and romantic thing to do, but for a moment, I worried that he might be in the market for an old-fashioned girlfriend. Maybe he hoped for a meek and mild girl? Then again, we had met when I was in a bikini and half drunk, so that couldn’t possibly be the case.

  It was a picture perfect summer day and it was even better because I was out doing something with Hunter. I was nervous about one thing. Mini-golf. I hate it. Well, I only hate it because I completely suck at it. I detest the full size version of the game even more. The sight of the course’s sheet metal lighthouse and plastic gorilla summoned up a few traumatic childhood memories. When I was young, every summer my parents would take us up to Wisconsin for a week long adventure at Yogi Bear Campground. We stayed in one of the small log cabins, because as my father said, “What, they expect us to stay in a tent? We’re from Skokie for God’s sake.” He said it as if people should excuse us from any expectations that we would ever truly leave our urbanized shells.