Gertie's Paranormal Plantation: A Paranormal Romantic Comedy Read online

  “I don’t know. I suppose I just wanted to make sure when Brad says he loves me, it’s really in his heart and not just because he’s under some enchantment. And I’ve always heard Marie talk about how she disapproves of the use of love potions and the like.”

  “Well, Gertie. Marie is a bit of a hypocrite if you ask me. You’ve seen how Marie and Esmeralda throw magic around whenever they want to satisfy their sexual appetites. They belong to the Witch’s Stud of the Month Club for Christ’s sake.”

  “Of course I can’t help but notice! But those aren’t emotional relationships. They’re just bewitching people to be some kind of one night…Oh, I don’t even know what word to use.”

  “Playthings? Fuck toys?” Randy quipped.

  “Sure. My point is that they aren’t relationships. They’re just picking up men, and in Esmeralda’s case men and women, by putting some spell on the one they want. A spell that wears off in a day or so.”

  With a deep sigh, Randy explained. “Well, I don’t see how charming people for casual sex is somehow more ethical than ensuring happiness between people that already love each other.”

  “Yes! I think you make a great point! Brad and I are already in love. So it’s not like I’m tricking him with a little magic. Thank you, Randy. You always seem to find a way to not make me feel guilty about doing something that I’m not too certain of. I can justify my choices.”

  Randy’s mouth hung open and he gave me his you-have-to-be-kidding-me eyes. He rubbed his forehead for a few seconds before he finally spoke. “Okay, Gertie, I think what you are trying to say is that I’m an enabler. I suppose you’re right.”

  “An enabler? I like that word. Well, thank you for being such a great enabler! Now let’s find a spell in this book that will enable Brad to just forget about going back to Chicago once he gets down here.”

  Randy’s face flushed with a renewed enthusiasm. “Right on! Let’s make some magic.”

  My fingers danced over the table of contents. “We can thank our lucky stars. This is the only English edition spell-book I’ve come across. Let’s see, they are categorized by problem. That’s handy. Wandering Eye, Liars, Gamblers, Drunkards—”

  “Hey, Gertie. If a witch has any of those guys, she doesn’t need a magic spell. She just needs a baseball bat and a good attorney. The book title says romance. There has to be at least one spell devoted to something romantic.”

  “Good point. I think I’ve got it. Here’s a group of spells under a category called The Persuasion Spells. Some pretty handy ones in there, too. It’s no wonder that Elspeth also enjoyed so much success in business and the stock markets. I have no doubt she was casting these little charmers to manipulate the markets.”

  “Doesn’t sound too romantic to me.” Randy moaned.

  I continued down the page until something finally stood out. “Wait. I think I’ve got it. It’s called For the Witch Who Longs for His Return. Listen to this, ‘Many a good witch has lost her man when he was lured away by Odin’s battle cry. This spell will bring him back from the distant lands. He will return to your home and he will never again want to leave.’ I think that just might do the trick. What do you say, Randy?”

  “I can’t see anything wrong with giving it a try. What do we need to do?”

  “Just the ordinary witchcraft. I’ll stand inside a standard magic circle, light the four candles of earth, wind, fire, and air and then I have to draw this ancient symbol of Norse magic, the Valknut.” I pointed out the illustration. “This diagram here, it’s supposed to be the Valknut. It looks like three interlocking triangles instead of three interlocking rings that we normally see. Anyway, I have to draw nine runic symbols around me. All of them are drawn out here as well. I’ll read exactly what it says next.

  ‘This is an old spell handed down from Norse Seidr magic. The actual Norse language of the spell must be said by the witch who longs for her lover. On the first night following the incantation, the father of the four winds will return the lover to the witch. This is a spell of Groa. Conditions and terms apply.’

  “Well, whatever all that last part means. Seems easy peasy to me, Randy.”

  “Better hurry up and get it done before you have to fly Brad down.”

  “I am so excited! To the attic!” I grabbed Randy by the hand and we ran up two flights of stairs to the empty attic. Because of the open space and wooden floor, the attic is the place where I like to perform the occasional spell that requires drawing out a magic circle. I opened a cigar box that I keep a pack of sidewalk chalk in, four different colored candles, and a lighter.

  “Quick question for you, Gertie. Is there a secret color code for the chalk circle? I didn’t realize magic involved the use of so many pastels.”

  “Not that I know of, but you know me. I prefer color and the more the better.” I replied as I drew out a pale orange circle around me. I placed the four candles on the line, one for each direction of the compass. “There. Hey Randy? I’m a little hesitant. This is my first time using magic for something I want. Every spell I’ve ever cast has been to help out someone else or some poor creature. You need to do some enabling before I chicken out.”

  “Enabling? I’ve got your back on this. Listen, this isn’t really for you at all. You and Brad are destined to be together at some point anyway. You’re just nudging fate along a little. This spell is really to help me. Remember? If Brad is here with you, I won’t be left alone with this magical menagerie you’ve created.”

  “Yes! Thanks for enabling me, Randy. You’re the best.”

  “Not a problem. Now let me see how you do this. I am an apprentice as well.”

  “How about blue for the Valknut. You know this design almost seems Celtic. I like it.” I drew the outline in blue chalk and shaded it all in with various colored chalk. “Done. Now the runes.”

  “Those are runes? They look like just a bunch of crooked lines. In the movies they look completely different. You know, something that would make a cool looking tattoo.”

  “Yep. Runes are nothing more than the old Scandinavian alphabet, just straight lines and some angles. Wanda the veterinarian showed me some once. She’s actually studied the Norse magic and mythology quite a bit. She was the one that helped me create my first dragon.”

  “Ah, so that’s why you named that mean motherfucker Olaf.”

  “Bite your tongue! You know I hate that word and Olaf is not mean. Sure, he has an off day now and again, but I suspect that’s pretty normal for a dragon.”

  “He is exactly the kind of beast I prefer not to be left alone with, so please carry on with the spell.”

  “Now, whatever you do, don’t cross over the circle until I’m done. It’s a sure way to spoil the whole thing.” I took a minute to focus on how to pronounce the Old Norse language.

  “Vaki þú, Gróa,

  vaki þú, góð kona,

  vek ek þik dauðra dura,

  ef þú þat mant,

  at þú þinn mög bæðir

  til kumbldysjar koma”

  Engrossed in preparing to recite the spell’s second tongue twisting stanza, I missed the dramatic scene that unfolded before me. Slow, scraping noises shuffled behind me. I realized it must be Randy, and for some strange reason he was moving backwards, away from my magic circle. My concentration was completely interrupted by his frightened whispers. “Ger, Gertie? Wha—what is that?” he whimpered. I took my eyes from the book and turned around to see what sort of prank he was pulling. When I noticed that his face was even more pale than normal, I knew he wasn’t joking. He was terrified. His arm was barely raised and a lone wobbly finger pointed to something that appeared while I had been busy studying the text.

  I spun around and quickly dropped to the floor. A towering shadow stood, or perhaps I should say it levitated in front of me. But it wasn’t really a shadow. It was a dark mass of undulating folds, a surreal robe of darkness. It only took a crawling, terrifying minute until arms and a woman’s head formed from the murky dep
ths of the shadowlike thing. Eyes of piercing blue light and long bony fingers appeared to complete the metamorphosis.

  The magic circle was flooded with an ethereal bluish glow. Then she spoke. The words were in the Norse language and I had absolutely no idea if the ghastly specter was cursing me or blessing me. I forced myself to stand up. “I—I’m sorry but I don’t understand what you’re saying. Eng—English? Do you speak English? Me no hablo Norse.”

  “Christ, Gertie. That’s Spanish.” Randy grouched. “Just make it go away.”

  I figured it would at least understand a polite tone. “Um, ma’am? I’ve changed my mind on this spell. We won’t be needing your assistance today.” The spirit didn’t answer. “So, we’re all done here. Yes? You can go now. Thanks for stopping by.”

  Then the monstrous phantom roared at me. The unholy sound came at me with such force it knocked me back a step. I’m pretty sure my hair flew straight back behind me. The only defense I had was the useless spell-book. I threw it as hard as I could and it sailed straight into her center mass. A stream of obscenities poured out of Randy’s head as he scooted across the floor. It was a remarkable improvisation that would make even the saltiest old sailor hang his head in shame. And yes, he was actually squirming around the chalk circle, on his belly, like an eel that had been tossed up on land. A cloud of pale orange chalk dust was created by his wiggling arms and legs. “Erase the goddamned chalk drawings, Gertie! Hurry! Put those fucking candles out!” Although I’m sure he included many more colorful adjectives in his words.

  I flopped down on the floor and rolled around to wipe out the runic symbols. The apparition must have thought we were experiencing a hallucination, that perhaps we imagined we were a pair of goldfish that had been spilled from a giant fishbowl. I obliterated the last runic symbol by scooting my ass across it. That’s when the strange visitor disappeared.

  Randy rolled over onto his back. “Ho—lee—shit! Gertie! What the fuck was that thing?”

  Maybe because the frightful experience had left me in shock, or simply because of Randy’s ridiculous appearance, I broke into a fit of laughter. Every inch of his body was covered in the orange dust, including his normally well groomed hair, which looked like a worn out mop. My giggling left me completely useless.

  “Oh—ho no, I—I—can’t—ha, ha, ha!” I rolled around in my own rainbow cloud.

  “I don’t see why you think any of this is funny.” Randy tried to complain over my continued hysterics. Soon he was laughing along with me. “Oh, look at all the colors on you. You look like you fell out of a unicorn’s ass.” He snorted through the dust.

  After we caught our breath, Randy helped me up. “Thanks. I really don’t know what that was. My guess is that I pronounced something completely wrong. I’m not worried, though, I never finished the spell.”

  “And we broke the magic circle, too. It was pretty scary but it disappeared pretty quickly. I’m not worried about it either. So now you have to fall back on plan B. I think we have a few more bananas in the kitchen if you’d like to practice some more.” Randy gave me a playful nudge.

  “No, no, once was enough. I think I’ll wait to practice my technique with the real thing.” I winked. “Well, thanks for at least trying to help me with that disaster of a spell. I better get ready because I’m almost out of time before I have to get Brad.”

  He nodded and began to walk away. “Have fun with Brad and don’t do anything I wouldn’t do.”

  “Jesus! That would make for a pretty short list.” I teased as he vanished around the corner.

  Chapter Ten

  Brad Pays a Visit

  Randy didn’t need to remind me. By the time we had finished our conversation, Brad’s arrival had returned to top priority status. I went up to my room to make sure I had everything perfect. Although I like to refer to it as my room, it’s more like a suite of rooms. A decent sized bedroom with a full bathroom adjoining it and another room that was a sitting room. In fact, it could be considered a small apartment. Like the rest of the mansion, every square inch was covered in the brightest colors and filled with décor I created from my own imagination. Randy suggested that it looks like “Pier 1 on Acid” but I still haven’t figured out what he means by that.

  After a long hot shower and some careful grooming, I was ready for Brad. On the floor of the sitting room I had a square marked out with red paint. More than one attempt to have Brad accompany me on broom travel resulted in our arrival at random places around the plantation. To eliminate the risk of a crash landing in the alligator filled bayou or on the roof, Brad came up with a solution. We created designated targets that could never be confused with any other location.

  I made a quick phone call. “Hi Brad! Are you ready to join me?”

  “More than ready. The spot is clear on this end. Go ahead.” With clearance from Brad, I took my broom in hand and recited the spell. I was transported to the matching square on the floor in Brad’s apartment. He took my hand and we instantly were sent to the designated spot in my sitting room. Once the last of the pink colored fog cleared, I saw that Brad was dressed in a dark suit and tie. He held something behind his back.

  “God, you’re beautiful. I’m so glad we’re finally together again, Sunshine.” His free arm swept me close to him, nearly lifting me from the floor. His strength amazed me. “I’ve missed you. I’ve been doing a lot of thinking lately. A lot.”

  “Thank you, and I’ve been thinking a lot, too. You have no idea.” I was a little anxious. I wanted so badly to convince Brad to just move from Chicago, but I kept in mind Randy’s warning about scaring him off. “So, what ‘cha got behind your back?”

  “Oh, just a few flowers.” He smiled and handed me a dozen yellow roses that were fitted in a narrow crystal vase. “They’re the color I think of when I think of you.” He brushed my cheek with one hand and then he kissed me. Brad’s kiss. It’s the only thing on earth that has ever made me feel so completely loved.

  If I had any lingering thoughts about Vasili’s sensual manners, they were blown away by Brad’s classic style. I suddenly knew that I was only attracted to Vasili because I now had a “type” of man I liked. Side by side, I suppose that some might say that the two men were slightly similar. Sure they had the same straight, jet black hair, the same bronze skin, and those dark eyes. Only Brad was like the new improved line of Greek studs. His muscles weren’t just toned, they were beefy and he only had a hint of an accent.

  “These are gorgeous! You know me too well, Brad.” I set the vase on a little end table. “Now, get back to kissing me. I liked where you were going with your plans for the night.”

  “Ah ah. No, ma’am. This is a date. You’re getting wined and dined before I seduce you. I’ve already made dinner reservations for us…a private table at Broussard’s. I want to talk to you about something. Unfortunately, I’ll have to ask you to put on something a little more formal. It’ll be worth it. Trust me.”

  My eyes popped out and my heart was pumping like mad. “Really? Okay. Okay.” I spun around in a circle until Darcy meowed from the bedroom. “I’ll be right back.” I practically ran into my walk-in closet. “Darcy! Did you hear that? Oh my God! Oh. My. God. I think this could be it. Formal dinner, private table, something to talk about. You have to know this could be a proposal.”

  I flipped through my dresses so fast that it seemed I was on a carousel whirling madly out of control. It was hopeless to concentrate. I went out into the hall and looked down over the banister. I saw Randy walking through the foyer. “Randy! Randy!” He was sort of dancing as he walked and he couldn’t hear a word I said. “He’s got those headphones on again.” I mumbled. I slipped off one of my sandals and threw it with all my might. I watched it spin away until it landed a direct hit on the back of his head. Randy stopped, rubbed his head, and looked around. Then he continued to dance. I took my other sandal and fired again. This time, Randy happened to look up at me just as I released the sandal. He had the oddest look on his
face as he attempted to comprehend what sort of bizarre missile was coming at him. This time I got him right in the forehead.

  “What the hell is wrong with you?” Randy painfully bellowed.

  “Get up here! Fast! I need your help. It’s an emergency.” I squeaked out.

  Randy bolted up the stairs and followed me into my bedroom. “What is it? Is Brad here? What did you do to him?”

  “Shhh. He’s in the other room. He’s fine.” I turned towards the direction of the sitting room. “Brad? Give me a few minutes to pick out a dress and do my hair up.” Then I lowered my voice and explained everything to Randy. “I think he’s planning on proposing to me tonight. Really. He’s dressed in a nice black suit, white shirt, and a tie. He asked me to get into something formal. He made reservations for a private table at Broussard’s. Broussard’s, Randy! I can’t think straight. I need you to help me pick out a dress and what the hell am I going to do with my hair? I look like I’ve been out pulling turnips.”

  “Holy shit! Okay, okay. I’ve got this.” Randy flipped through my dresses and found the only black dress I owned. A long sleeveless one that had never been worn. “I’m thinking…let’s see. Lift your hair up. Like you would wear it up. He held out the dress in front of me and cocked his head. Yes! I got it. We’re going for Audrey Hepburn, Breakfast at Tiffany’s. It’s a timeless, classic look that only you can pull off.” Randy gave me a hand changing into the dress then he practically dragged me over to my vanity. His hands buzzed around my hair like he was a chef in a Japanese steak house. “There. You should wear your hair up like this more often. What do you think? It doesn’t matter what you think. It’s almost perfect.” He grabbed a plush toy gorilla that I had put a dainty silver tiara on. He plucked it off and fit it onto my hair. “Now it’s perfect.”

  I turned my head slightly left and then right while I looked in the mirror. “I think the tiara is a bit over the top.” Randy’s hands were still hovering in place as if I had an invisible force field around my head.