Gertie's Paranormal Plantation: A Paranormal Romantic Comedy Page 4

  “You’re saying it wrong. Say ‘hello’ not ‘hell no’! Try again.”

  “No!”

  At that point, I could only hang my head in exasperation. I’d spent months trying to get my male Sasquatch, William, to say “Hello”. Teaching him to talk had been going a lot slower than I hoped. Still, it was encouraging to see that William was putting forth an effort of sorts.

  Another loud crash interrupted my training session. The noise was the sound of Randy falling over a chair and dodging a pair of cats. “Gertie! Are you all right?” He yelled while he found a path out of our office. I use the term office quite loosely. It’s really just a small cramped room with a computer and a printer precariously perched atop of still unpacked boxes. “What the hell is going on? Wills throwing another fit?”

  “Good morning to you, too, Randy. Nothing’s wrong, really. He’s just getting frustrated with the lessons. I think he wants to go back outside to be with his mate, Kate.” At least I hoped nothing was actually wrong with William.

  “I don’t think teaching them anything is a smart move. I’m always afraid those miserable things are going to go all Planet of The Apes on us. They give me the creeps, the way they stare at you. Expressionless. Unless the I’m-gonna-rip-your-lungs-out-and-use-them-for-slippers look is an expression. And all they do is copy what you say…like a big hairy parrot that smells like—”

  William stomped his feet and made a menacing, throaty growl. “Arrrrrgh.”

  Randy slowly stepped back away. “Okay, okay. Just calm down, Wills. You know I was just kidding.”

  I took William’s big meaty paw—er, hand. “Shh…it’s okay. He was going to say you smell nice.” I stroked the back of his furry mitt. “Right, Randy?”

  “Uh, yeah. He smells nice. Like a flower.” Randy eyed the Sasquatch cautiously. “Hey, William, you should go back outside and groom Kate…or do whatever.” Randy waved his hand at my furry student. “Okay, William. Bye-bye. Go on now, shoo.” William stood up, grunted, and nabbed a bowl of apples from the counter. The tall Sasquatch gingerly bent over to get through the door, where he stopped to scratch his ass before continuing on his merry way.

  “So, what are you working on today, Randy?”

  Randy held up a sheet of paper. “Just a little bookkeeping. We’ll have to start thinking about expenses. This old plantation is sucking up money like a politician’s mistress. I’d like to open half the house up for that bed and breakfast idea we talked about. Hopefully by this summer.”

  “But wouldn’t that be even more of an expense? To get it ready?”

  “Not really, we’d be raking in plenty of money in such a short time, it could pay off any short term loans we’d take out. Think about it. Most of the witches we’ve met are quite wealthy and have old fashioned vacation preferences. This old mansion is exactly the kind of place they would choose to stay at. And what a great way for your paranormal pets to meet up with someone willing to adopt them.”

  “When you put it like that, it sounds like a great idea.”

  “We could use some more help here before I can take the time to focus on the bed and breakfast plan. Even if you do get your apes to talk, I don’t think we’d ever be able to rely on them to help us out with chores. And the locals are afraid to come here. I spent over an hour calling around to find someone willing to repair the busted window. Just one more good reason for you to get Brad to move in…did you give any more thought to bewitching your boy into moving to the plantation?”

  “As a matter of fact, I did. I even called Brad this morning. He’s off work from this afternoon until tomorrow night. I’m just going to have a heart-to-heart talk with him. It’s time for us to talk about where we’re going with our relationship. I have to tell him that I would like him to move in with me. I can’t stand just drifting along, hoping and wishing. I’ll even tell him about the job opening down here. I think with his experience he would get hired in a heartbeat.”

  Randy crossed his arms and leaned against the kitchen counter. I knew he doubted my plan. “That sounds fine. You should be aware of one thing. Oftentimes, when someone isn’t ready for a relationship to go to the next level, and they are confronted with a request like the one you’re about to lay on Brad…well, it’s been my experience that they get scared.”

  “Scared? What could be scary about love?”

  “Commitment. It scares the hell out of some people. I just want you to know that there is a risk. Brad might not be ready for this. The result? Bam! Out the door. Adios, arrivederci, auf wiedersehen, adieu, see ya. Get what I’m saying?”

  “No. No way. Brad and I are in love. I know it. The worst that could happen is he would say that it’s not time for him yet. He would never break up over it.” My eyes dropped to the floor. “Would he?”

  “Gertie, without risk, there is no reward. But with a little witchcraft, you can remove that risk. Just saying.”

  Randy had planted some seeds of doubt. “Any idea on how I could reduce that risk without witchcraft?” I asked.

  “I don’t know. Give him a blowjob? Other than witchcraft or monetary bribes, a blowjob is the next most powerful thing there is. But not just any blowjob. You’ve got to bring him to the tipping point and make it last.”

  “Really? It’s that big of a deal for a guy?”

  “I’m just going to assume that Brad has gone down on you. And I’m going to assume you think it’s just about the best feeling you’ve ever had. Am I right?”

  “Yes and hell yes!”

  “So he probably feels the same way when you go down on him. The trick to making it work in your favor is to take your time. Tease him and get him right to the tipping point, so to speak. Keep doing it until it just about kills him. That might be a good time to mention a few words about how nice it would be if he could be with you here full time.”

  “Okay, Randy. I need to point out two things. First of all, if Brad were to start and stop, start and stop, frustration would overpower ecstasy. Sounds like a mood killer to me. Secondly, I’ve never given him a blowjob. You’re suggesting some expert level skills here.”

  “Whoa! Never? Really? You’re kidding. Brad has never asked for it, or even hinted?”

  “Not kidding. Never.” I pointed to myself. “A century as a Gertiesicle, I pretty much missed out on that whole sexual revolution thing. And you know Brad is my first and only lover. When Brad and I make love, it just sort of unfolds. He’s never said anything about wanting that. But I’ll tell you one thing, I’m not much for getting bossed around and if a man told me what to do or not to do in bed, it would make it seem like I’m punched-in on the factory clock. Jesus, just the thought of it gives me the chills.”

  “Relax, Gertie. It was just a suggestion. But you should know you have some serious untapped power. Sexual power.”

  “Ugh. When you say it like that, it makes it sound creepy. When I think of sex, I think fun, passion, love and tenderness. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve seen blowjobs in the porn movies…when Kelly and Lindsey decided to give me their sex education lessons, they showed me some movies. I’ve definitely thought about giving Brad a blowjob, but that’s about it. It doesn’t appear to be all that fun, but it doesn’t look too terribly difficult.”

  “Porn movies. Right. Well, try to remember that just because you’ve seen the trapeze act at the circus doesn’t make you an acrobat. Listen, just forget what I said about that and throw a hex on his ass. Now I’m going to check if that guy is coming soon to get that window replaced.”

  Randy left the room before I could ask him what the circus had to do with sex.

  Chapter Six

  Saved by a Stranger

  I could definitely give Brad a blowjob. Other than a few playful kisses, I hadn’t attempted that particular task yet.

  On the counter was a fresh bunch of bananas. I hatched an idea. I picked a banana and looked it over. “Hmm, I guess that’s kind of close in shape and size.” I peeled the skin off, closed my eyes, and tried to im
agine that it was Brad’s cock. “They say practice makes perfect.” I opened my mouth and slid it in a little ways. I tried to imagine it being bigger around like Brad. Just the thought of his naked body and the idea of what I was planning to do got me excited…and I missed him terribly. I let my lips put just a little suction on the tip and moved it in and out in slow rhythm. Apparently, it’s desirable to have it inserted as deep as possible. At least that’s what I saw in the movies. I couldn’t get past the back of my tongue before I gagged. I concentrated and relaxed as I slid it deeper into my mouth. By that point I was dripping wet with excitement at the thought of Brad’s heavy throbbing member sliding in and out of my mouth. It seemed so profoundly intimate, not vulgar like the movies I saw. I pictured exactly how I would lay on top of him, my legs on either side of his head while I gave my sensual performance.

  What was that number they called it? Fifty nine? Brad will just—

  Cheer. A woman’s voice was cheering from across the kitchen. I’m fairly certain my brain made a fizzling noise when I tried to comprehend the noise from a new audience. Hands clapping! I opened my eyes and there in the doorway stood Randy with my fellow witch, Esmeralda. Actually, Esmeralda is more than just my fellow witch, she’s the closest thing that Marie Laveau has to a peer in the Witches Union.

  I had that banana inserted like I was trying to scratch my tonsils. My eyes watered and I was engrossed in mental combat with my gag reflex. From the shocked look on Randy’s face, you would have thought that I just peeled my skin off and started jumping rope with it. Esmeralda, on the other hand, was giving me the slow handed golf clap. Then the inevitable happened. I gagged. It happened just as I attempted to carefully withdraw the fruit. The end of the banana broke off and lodged in my throat. I was choking.

  The thought that I would die from giving a blowjob to a banana put me in a panic. I was suddenly transformed into the proverbial decapitated chicken that runs around in a frantic circle. My arms flailed and flapped. And God only knows how I managed to squawk out the most awful choking noises. A stranger, a tall, dark, and handsome stranger no less, grabbed me from behind. His hands clasped together to form a single fist and he expertly delivered a sudden thrust into my stomach. I remember how peculiar it looked when the former object of my oral fantasy flew from my throat. The head of the banana penis arced across the kitchen and landed with a splat, directly onto a dinner plate on the counter.

  Randy made a slight bow. “Please, Esmeralda, try the appetizer, Bananas au phallus. It’s a house specialty.”

  I gasped and coughed. My savior, however, seemed to be holding on to me a little longer than necessary. Randy was quick to my rescue and released me from the stranger.

  Esmeralda seemed overjoyed at my expense. “The entertainment I get whenever I pop in on you two is just priceless. I feel like I have a free pass to Cirque de Idiots. I mean, really, it’s not every day you see a witch deep throating a banana.”

  Randy shot Esmeralda a faux evil eye. “What are you doing running around without a leash anyway, Esmeralda? I really need to remind Marie to double check your kennel door.” He retorted as he helped me over to a chair and gently wiped my watery eyes. Randy and Esmeralda exchanged barrages of snark on a regular basis. This was nothing new and it was taken lighthearted enough, mostly.

  “First things first. What is this delectable morsel doing here?” Esmeralda nodded toward the man that saved me. “You surprise me, Gertie. I would never expect you to be getting a piece on the side. You have good taste, though. I’ll give you that much.”

  I tried to growl out a response but Randy took over. “Paalease, witch. Gertie wouldn’t go behind Brad’s back. No. This is the guy the home improvement store sent over to install a new window. He just walked in at the right time to save Gertie.”

  The stranger wasn’t unpleasant to look at. I hate to admit it, but in all honesty, he was downright hot. Perhaps not as muscular as Brad, but he was very well toned and quite tall. He had the same dark, thick hair and sharp handsome features. His skin was just about as dark. I was just about to thank the man for saving my life when Esmeralda preempted me.

  Esmeralda casually ran one French-tipped nail down from her collar and under the open placket of her button down shirt. Without even touching it, the top button surrendered. With more cleavage now revealed, she took a couple of steps towards the workman. A few of the lower buttons on her white shirt remained locked in a desperate struggle to contain her impressive breasts. “Hmm. So what do I call you?”

  The man took a few steps back away from her. “Vasili, ma’am.”

  Esmeralda actually licked her lips. “Yum. I love Greek men. You will be coming home with me. Katalaveno?”

  “I’m sorry. I cannot. I have to work all day.” Vasili replied. He seemed to be a little nervous and kept moving away from Esmeralda. I suppose that’s only natural, considering that Esmeralda was acting like she was a hungry pit bull eyeing up a pound of ground beef. It didn’t help matters that Randy was walking behind Vasili and eyeing him up in an equally vulgar fashion.

  Finally, I had a chance to properly thank Vasili. I gave him a hug and kissed his cheek. “Thank you so much. I’d be dead if it wasn’t for you.” I peeked over Vasili’s shoulder and saw Randy silently clowning around. He looked like a mime attempting to ride an invisible horse, or more likely riding Vasili. A flurry of giggles escaped my mouth.

  “You’re welcome. It was my honor to save one so beautiful…” he took my hand and kissed the back of it, “and as precious as you.” Vasili’s deep and heavily accented voice made my heart pump a little faster. And I’ll be damned if I didn’t blush. Vasili turned around and interrupted Randy’s shenanigans. “I came to tell you the window job is done. I will look over the outside of the house.” He turned his dark eyes to me again. “And see if there are any other jobs I can take care of. Perhaps we will see each other again soon.” Then he just walked out of the back door.

  Then Randy opened his loud mouth. “What? What was that? Whoa, Gertie. I saw that. You blushed.”

  Esmeralda clucked her tongue and joined in with Randy. “Oh yeah. I saw that, too. I also saw how his eyes were looking into Gertie’s. I know that look. You better keep an eye on her, Randy. Or she’s as good as—”

  I interjected. “You two are really having your fun now. The problem is that he was being a perfect gentleman with this thing we used to call manners. It’s obvious that you simply don’t understand that. And of course I blushed. It’s…it’s polite to blush like that. Sure. Why back in my day if I didn’t blush, it would’ve been rude.”

  “What? Blushing is not a voluntary thing associated with manners. Is it, Esmeralda?”

  “Of course not. And Gertie, when you caught your breath and made that tiny gasp when he kissed your hand, more manners I suppose? Remember I’ve been around for a couple hundred years longer than you have.”

  “Well, of course they’re all good and very polite manners…Irish manners.” That was my story and I was sticking to it.

  Esmeralda and Randy were both laughing at me now. Randy paused long enough to make me feel better. “Hey, nothing says ‘thank you’ like having a very vocal orgasm. Don’t worry, Gertie. We’re just giving you a hard time.”

  “Not as hard as that Greek stud was thinking about giving her!” Esmeralda quipped. Their laughter rapidly built up to the point that Randy was in tears.

  Randy took Esmeralda’s hand. In a cheap and over the top imitation of Vasili’s accent, he mocked the poor visitor. “It will be my honor…” then he made a loud lip smacking kiss on Esmeralda’s hand, “to shish kabob your sweet little ass with my pork sword.”

  Esmeralda couldn’t resist and played along. “Oh my. And just wait until you see what I can do to a banana.”

  “Oh all right. I’ll admit it. He is a very attractive man and he was being exceptionally nice to me. Not to mention that he just saved my life. But as you both know, Brad is the only one I want and he’s twice as good as t
hat one.”

  “Well, if you give Brad a blowjob anywhere as brutal as the one you gave to that poor banana, you just might want to keep Vasili in mind as a replacement.” Randy joked and I gave him a playful push.

  “All right kids, back to business then.” Esmeralda smirked as she opened a leather messenger bag and took out a notebook. “First, here is the list of guests that have been invited to Leigh’s wedding.” She handed it to Randy. She then took a large book out and handed it to me. “Marie sent that along for you.”

  “Oh? What is it?” I asked as I turned it over in my hands.

  “That’s called a book. There are these things called words written on the paper inside. Sometimes these books have pictures in them.” You can always count on Esmeralda to seize even the smallest opportunity for sarcasm. “This one is full of pretty pictures of animals.”

  The book was obviously more ancient than her. I gently opened the worn leather cover and glanced at the pages. “It’s a medieval manuscript of some sort. Randy, take a look at this. Every page has a weird animal, along with a description. I’m familiar with quite a few paranormal beasts, but many of these I’ve never seen or even heard about.”

  Randy’s face lit up like he was a kid on Christmas morning. “Ah! I know exactly what this is. It’s a medieval bestiary, a book with descriptions of mysterious animals.”